Whispers of the Heart
by S0ftS0ft
Summary: Lily had been secretly in love with a man she has known for much of her life. Yet, with the Gang on the run, she must set her feelings aside to help get them all through the end.
1. Chapter 1

1899 - Colter, the Grizzlies

Life will be never easy.

Such a saying rang true for all. Especially if one chooses the life of that of an outlaw such as herself. But it never hurt to try and make things better. It didn't stop her for someone like her, an outlaw, to try and turn things around for the better. She didn't do it for herself but to those that she loved; to those within the gang.

She owed it to them to make things better for them after all.

 _No matter situation, one can't give up on hope even if it feels like there no escape._

For Lily, she couldn't help but wonder what it might it have been like if she never joined the Gang. No more running from the law. No more worrying about money. But it would mean that she would possibly never met the gang; her one true family.

 _Never_

Yet she could not help think about these questions now as she laid between the realms of dreams and reality. With everything that had happened to them so far. With the botched job in Blackwater plus being chased for what felt like every step along the way, she just couldn't help but wonder what life would have been like if things were just…different.

As she lay there under her bearskin blanket, her mind wandered deeper her into the past. A past she would like to forget completely. A past she couldn't help but recalled each time she let herself ponder on such questions. The memories of a part of her childhood ruled by fear and pain. A past she wished she would just forget completely.

 _But apparently, I am just a glutton for punishment tonight._

Before she knew, she was back twenty years ago; a scared little girl who was once afraid of everything and everyone. A little girl who had nothing else to lose and thus risked her own life at a chance for something. Something she had dreamed about consistently when looking out her bedroom window up towards the sky.

 _Freedom_

How she wished to taste it; to be able to fly away from that horrible place like the little blue jays that could from outside her window. To able to fly away and call wherever they land home, oh how she envied those birds back then. It was something worth risking life itself for. It was a risk she took at the tender age of four.

 _And how sweet it tasted is back then for the first time. It tasted better than any candy or any brandy I reckon had ever had so far in my life._

Once she fled from home, she didn't stop running. As fast as her little legs could go, she fled into the dark wilderness with tears streaming down her chubby cheeks. It wasn't tears of sadness of leaving behind the only place she had called home or those men in black kill her mother in front of her. Nay, not even the screaming agony and pain she was in was the cause of her tears even though every time she ran over any sharp rocks or branches the pain was unbearable.

No

 _It was tears of happiness. Finally, after years of abuse from that place, from mama, I was finally free_.

However, despite the overwhelming sense of joy she was feeling at that moment, she had absolutely nothing. No food, water, or any money. She didn't even have a destination in mind. All she had was the bloodstained nightgown she wore that night and her first name. She didn't even know if she had any family member left now.

But Lily couldn't go back. It would be the end for her if she did.

If she returned or even get close to that place, those men would be there, waiting for her. Judging how easily they killed her mother before her young eyes, Lily just knew that something would happen to her. Either she would be as dead as her mother's warm corpse at her small naked feet, or she would be taken far away; somewhere where she would be locked away. Whatever it might have been, she wasn't going to found out herself.

In the blink of an eye, she found herself somewhere an open and vast grassy field; the sky as blue and clear. She remembered her body finally stopping as she took large breaths of air; standing weakly on bare bloody feet. With every breath of air she took, she could feel her body growing weaker. Before she knew it, she collapsed in a heap on her back against the dirt as her body could not take it anymore.

Days past but how many Lily had no clue. She couldn't move or stand; staring up into that open sky with buzzards' circle from high above. The blazing unforgiving sun cooked her pale dirt covered flesh until it blisters and boiled red. The worst of it all was as she laid there dying from hunger and thirst, all she could hear was her mother's voice. It was not one filled with any form of motherly love. Hatred raged, and venom towards her she laid there with her last words repeating over and over inside.

 _ **I should have killed-**_

 _STOP! Just… s-st-stop pl-please god._

 _Please…save me… anyone…_

Suddenly, her prayers seemed to have been answered as the voice of her mother began to fade away as her ears caught something else.

 _S-s-someone's c-coming!_

Softly from a distance, Lily could hear the sound of a horse galloping nearby. Whoever it might be was close enough that she could feel the vibration from their horses' hooves trotting against the dirt. Whoever it was halted close to her, their horse neighing loudly before silence filled the air. She waited as she lay there holding her breath as she hopes and prayed it wasn't one of the men in black.

 _Pl… please god…d-d-don't let the-them find me. Please…please…_

She quickly shut her eyes tightly as she heard them get off their horse with a soft grunt. The sound of boots with spurs clicking with each step echoing through the once empty field as they approached where she lay. Slowly opening her eyes hesitantly, Lily was met with a blurred figure of someone; a man standing over her with his large hat blocking out the sun.

Bright blue eyes peered through matted blond hair as she watched this mysterious man like a hawk; ready to bolt at the moment notice despite her current predicament. Seeing the fear and pain in her eyes, the man slowly crouched over, being very careful of his moments almost as if she was a baby deer. It was when he took off his hat that she makes out what he looks like. He was young or at least with stunning cheekbones with hair just as brightens and golden as the sun itself with little flakes of silver hair at the roots.

It was at this moment she first met him. The man who had saved and changed her life forever. The man who would be her friend and mentor through the years. Without him, she would have never met the people that she held so close to her heart. But, years later as she grew into a young woman, she would curse his name not out of anger but for making her conflicted with her inner feelings for him.

 _It was-_

Waken into reality, Lily's eyes blown wide open as a loud booming sound seem to rock the entire room; loud enough to bolt her out of her sleep. Wheezing followed by gurgling sounds of that of a dying animal boomed within the small room suddenly. Even with a raging snowstorm outside, you barely hear the howling winds beating against the building.

 _What in the hell…_

Yawning, Lily slowly sat up from her cot as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she tried to peer into the darkness. The more she listens to the noise, the more she was getting a general idea who it might be. From underneath the faint light of the flicking moonlight, she looked towards where the noise was coming from; its origin coming from the other side of the room.

Lily let out a deep sigh as she saw who it was making all this racket.

 _Of course, it's him. Why I am not surprised?_

Lo and behold, it was none other than the great protector Arthur Morgan himself. She could see the drool stain forming on top of his pillow as he let out a gurgling snort; one arm lying lazing over his face. Judging by the sound of things was deep in the realm of dreams. So deep in sleep that she could only imagine those asshole Pinkertons agents jumping in guns blazing. Even with that, he would still be asleep like the death itself.

Knowing from personal experience, Lily knew that nothing could wake "Sleeping Beauty" that is Arthur Morgan from his slumber. Unless you give him a good "pat" on the cheek. But whatever it was that had triggered in his dreams to cause such…beautiful melodies had started to whine down to a soft whisper.

Grabbing a small whiskey bottle she hid underneath from her bed, Lily continued to look at the slumbering man as she took a swig from her stash. She smiles at Arthur as she looked at him; envious of how deep in sleep he truly was.

 _Lucky bastard._

With a puff of warm air escaping her lips as she signed, placed the bottle back in its spot. Grabbing her fur blankets once more, she threw them back over herself; curling underneath as she tried to get warm once again.

Slowly, Lily could feel her eyes began to drift closed as she slips into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**1899 - Colter, the Grizzlies**

The morning sun slowly peeked over the mountain tops as its rays piercing through the clouds in a soft pinkish glow. White little snowflakes fell gentle from above as tiny songbirds weaved through the snow-covered trees, playing along the tops of the snowed in cabins that scattered throughout the once bustling miner town that was Colter.

It truly is a peaceful sight to behold; a stark contrast to the raging blizzard from the night before.

Leaning against a wall of one of the few cabins that weren't derelict, stood a slender figure. Dressed in a dark leather fur-lined heavy coat, one would easily mistake this person as one of the men of the Van der Linde gang that linger about outside. However, hidden underneath shadows of the black wide brim hat that they wore, was in fact not a man at all. It was the soft elegant sun-kissed face of a woman with piercing blue eyes that shined the color of the sky.

Lily Van der Linde was no ordinary woman compared to the majority of her gender. Despite the pretty face, she was nowhere near a lady of high standing that one might think when they look at her or some high class working girl. Though, if you ever dare call her the later, fate would not be so kind to you with the possibility of losing an important piece of your anatomy.

If you were lucky.

Overall, she is a con-woman and an outlaw in every sense of the word through and through.

 _And right now very tired one at that. No thanks to Arthur and his so call "lovely melodies" from last night._

Cracking her jaw, Lily let out a bellowing yawn as she rub the sleep from her tired eyes. Despite her love of the cold, she had hoped that the crisp mountain air would do her some good and wake her up. However, it would seemed to appear to do her no good for her lack of sleep.

With two leather-clad hands, Lily lightly slaps her cheeks with them; scolding herself inside her depths of her mind.

 _C'mon Lily, pull yourself together. The last thing you need is one of the boys coming across you in such a state. Especially with Micah lurking about; that disgusting rat of a man..._

Nodding in agreement to herself as strands of goldish shoulder length hair bobbed to and fro ever so slightly with the motion. Lily's face quickly turned sour as it scrunched up in disgust at the thought of that… man, Micah Bell, in her vicinity of herself from where she stood.

To say she didn't like him was a complete understatement. He was nothing a thorn in her side; a rude and disgusting pig of a man that had set the bar so low, that he was able to make someone like Bill Williamson a saint in her eyes. She was sure as shit didn't trust the snake of a man either. It was a sentiment that both herself, Arthur, and the majority of everyone in camp shared as well.

Well, everyone except for Dutch that is.

 _What Dutch saw in that pig, I'll never know..._

Ever since Micah first joined, it just feels that nothing has been going right, like he had cursed them all with his presence. On top of that, his poor attempts at flirting with her were getting on the last of her nerves. If it wasn't for Dutch, she would have let loose a barrage of her bullets into his face long ago.

But one could only dream now.

 _I swear though, if that pig calls me Goldilocks one more goddamn time…_

Letting out a heavy sigh, Lily let her mind wonder elsewhere. Anymore thoughts of the pig Thinking of him anymore would only make her want to vomit.

With that, besides dealing with Micah usual bullshit and her lack of a good night's rest, Lily could feel the stress of everything else weighing down on her.

So far, they already they lost two people; Jenny and Davy. God only knows if Sean and Max are even alive. John was still in the early stages of recovery from his little scarab with those wolves. They barely have enough food or medicine. They were being chased by Pinkertons along with what feels like every lawman and bounty hunter in the whole state.

Now...now it would appear that Hosea illness was getting worse. With the frigid cold mountain air, his coughing had gotten a lot worse the longer they stayed here. Though, whenever someone asked if he was ok, he would just brush it off as nothing more than that things were fine. Lily could see that wasn't the truth especially with what she had witness herself few days back.

Right after Dutch and Arthur, along with a few of the boys, headed out to attack an O'Driscoll's camp that they found, herself and Hosea were walking back inside the cabin that the two of them shared with Dutch and Arthur away from the cold, the two of them deep in discussion of what to do next after they get out of here. In the mist of their conversation, Hosea suddenly began to cough. It grew almost uncontrollably to the point he could barely catch a breath.

Feeling her face pale and her heart drop, Lily immediately rushed to his side, sitting him done on one of the chairs in front of the fireplace. She held him by his shoulders; keeping him straight up so that he didn't tumble over in agony as he continued on coughing. When Hosea finally stop, he looked over to see the worry look in her eyes.

" _Don't give me that look, Lily. I know you're worried but I am completely fine." Lily shock her head in disagreement. She didn't want to hear it. He's wasn't fine. Just by looking at him, she could see clear as day that he was in pain right now with every breath he took. Seeing him like this, of course she was worried. She had every right to be for his well-being. She owned it to him to look after him just as he had done for her in the past._

 _With the promise she made to Bessie as well..._

" _Hosea, you might tell everyone else the same bullshit of you being well so that we don't worry about you. But I know you far too long to see that ain't case." Lily pleaded to him as she could feel the bottle of emotions bellowing upwards inside her as she looked downwards to try and gather what she was going to say next._

 _Before she could utter another word, a pair of warm calloused hands grasp her own. Holding them gently, Lily lifted her head to see Hosea smiling at her, him single finger along her knuckles as she remained at a loss of words._

" _Appreciate you so much and I know your concern for me, but trust me when I say that I'm fine, Lily"_

" _But-" He placed a single finger on her lips; halting Lily from speaking another word as her face began to fluster with heat as Hosea smiled at her._

" _I ain't going anywhere anytime soon, starlight."_

Lily leaned further back against the cabin wall with a sounded thud, her arms wrapped around herself as her worry for her mentor linger in the back of her mind.

Even though she didn't truly believe him, she is sure as shit not going to stand by and watch him suffer without doing anything.

Hell, or high water, she was going to do something to help him whether he likes it or not.

So, whenever she went out hunting, she always keeps an eye out for anything that might help at least with the pain or lessen the amount of coughing. Granted, her luck when it came gathering herbs was absolutely shit, only finding barely a handful or nothing at all in the end. But that didn't stop her from giving up on her little quest. So, if that meant spending a few extra days in the snow then so be it. Or until someone like Arthur comes dragging her off back to camp that is.

She would move heaven and earth to make sure he was safe.

 _Hosea…. he would do the same for me..._

She owned everything to him.

Her trust.

Her loyalty.

Her very life.

Everything.

Like many believe at first, Dutch wasn't the one brought her into the gang as he did for Arthur and John. Instead, he was the one who had blessed her as his daughter with the surname of Van der Linde when she wormed her way into his heart years ago; his little outlaw princess. For that, she was eternally grateful to the man she had called papa.

But he wasn't the one whisked her away from death's icy grip twenty years ago.

He wasn't the one who found her as a little girl on some open field being cooked alive in the sun; broken and petrified with fear. Instead, it was the man with finely cut cheekbones and goldish silver windswept hair who found her that day. He was her protector. Her savior.

It was Hosea Matthews; the silver tongue of a man who could rob you blind as well as charmed the pants off you. Literally in some cases.

The same man that had watched over her for so many years. He taught her everything from how to read and write to lying and cheating. She was and still is, his prodigy; his star pupil.

The apple in his eye.

His partner in crime.

He had given her a chance to be free once and for all; a second chance at life.

If it wasn't for him, she would have never met Dutch and Arthur; the two most important people in her life. Dutch serving as the overly protected father she never and Arthur the older annoying big brother that she loves with all her heart.

But there was a moment in time when she was afraid of the two older men.

After a year of traveling together, a lifetime to her five-year-old self, Hosea had told her about Dutch and Arthur and how they will be traveling with them for now own. Back then, she was still very wary of strangers, especially with everything she had gone through before fated had handed her to Hosea. So wary in fact, that when he told her this, Lily couldn't help but panic on the inside; pressing Hosea for answers to her rapid questioning.

Who were these people? Are they bad? Can they be trusted? What if they hurt him, hurt her?

" _You have to trust me on this, Lily. Ain't nobody….and I mean_ _ **nobody**_ … _. will ever lay a hand on you ever again. I won't let that happen again." Hosea firmness spoke as he tries to reassure the distressed five-year-old. With both hands, he gently held her shoulders as she looked down as she tries to hold back her tears few whimpering snuffles as she fought back tears._

" _Y... you... p-pr-promise, Mister Horsey?" Lily mumbled as she looked up towards him with a hopefully look in her eyes. It was the sort of look that you wouldn't dare deceive._

 _Hosea gave a hearty chuckle as she tries to, once again for the hundredth time, mispronounce his name. Oblivious as to why exactly he was laughing, Lily couldn't help but smile as well; her fears slowly eased away with each second that past._

 _Smiling down at her, Hosea let go her shoulder, wiping a stray tear that had fallen on her pink chubby cheeks. Lily rushed into him, catching him off guard as she wrapped her tiny arms around his waist tightly as she buried her face into his denim shirt. In returned, Hosea hug the little girl just as fiercely as she did to him; laying his cheek on top of her head as he whispered into her golden locks._

" _I promise, my starlight."_

After that, Lily knew at that moment and beyond that Hosea would always be true to his word to her. Never had he ever made a promise that he couldn't keep. Never had he tried to lie to hide the truth from her nor how he felt for that matter. At least, that what she hopes.

Maybe that's why she has such strong… emotions for the man for the longest time.

These were the kind of emotions one gets that turns you into a blundering blushing idiot. The kind of idiot that, god forbid, just holds your hands or kiss the top of your head that turns you into a flaming tomato. They were the sorts that a grown woman such as herself shouldn't have for a man who was practically raised her much of her entire life.

And for that, Lily couldn't help but feel nothing but shame and guilt.

At first, she originally thought it as nothing more than simple crush that she had since she was a child; something that would eventually fade in time. Instead for so long, she had mistakenly thought of it as nothing more than deep admiration and fondness towards him for everything he had down for her. But then, why didn't she feel this way towards Dutch, Arthur, or anyone else she knew of.

It wasn't until she started to grow into a young woman that Lily had come to realize the terrible truth was to her emotions towards Hosea. That these… so called feelings that she held so close to her heart ran deeper than any ocean or as vast and open as the sky above.

Why was it impossible to see anyone other than him her in life?

Why was the sheer thought of losing him torn her up from the inside?

Reaching into her coat pocket, Lily grab the last of her cigarettes and matches with a stone look across her face. Sticking it into her mouth, she strikes a single match against her boot, carefully guarding the tiny flame against the winds as bent her head to bring it to her lips. Taking a long drag from the slider object, she let its warm nectar fill her lungs as looked back upwards towards the morning sky.

Stewing away in a turmoil of emotions from within, Lily held her tiny slender friend with one hand as she contemplated the same questions that had plagued her time and time again. She damn well knew what the answer to her… problem but she couldn't bring herself to speak it into her waking reality; a single word that had held her prisoner for far too long.

It a dream that could never happen. A reality that could never be. A future that can never come to pass.

She was in love with Hosea Matthews and has been in love with him for what feels like much of her life now.

"I'm a fucking fool..." Lily bitterly stated, letting her words sink in as she inhaled once more; gloved hands clenched tightly out of frustration of herself with her silly womanly heart, almost breaking her cigarette in two.

She was a love-struck fool who was in love with her mentor. A man who was twice her age who only ever has seen her as nothing more than the daughter he never had. It was why she has kept truth from anyone but herself in secret; suffering in never-ending torture for years to come with the knowledge.

 _And this was how I repay him for everything he has done for me? By wishing he would just kiss me with such passions like how they do in those stupid romance novels that Mary-Beth loved so much? If he ever found out..._

But he won't. Lily was sure of herself on that part.

Keeping her secret locked away in the depths of her heart, she would much rather suffer in a never-ending torture for years to come rather than ever admit to him how love she was with him.

If she ever did confess, it could possibly bring the end of everything between them.

She wasn't going to take such a high-stake risk. All for the sake of her feelings. He meant far too much for her do something so reckless. Thus, she would continue to be by his side as the daughter he sees her too be; her feelings locked away as her heart crumbling into tiny pieces slowly from within.

She would suffer in silence with a smile on her face.

 _Just...be the loving daughter he had always sees in you and nothing more._

With two fingers, Lily flick what was left of her cigarette with a sour look as she headed back inside. The cold no longer bringing her the comfort it once did before.

 _Besides we have more important matters to deal than your unrequited feelings, girl._

Lily huff in agreement. Truly this ain't the time to mush over her feelings over Hosea. The weather was finally improving judging by her current observations. In a few days' time, the snow will be melted enough so that they would be finally able to leave before they get bushwhacked by either O'driscoll's, Pinkertons, or both for that matter.

Right now, Lily hopes that "Sleeping Beauty" was up and ready. She wanted to go over their part of Dutch's plan on robbing this train belonging to some "Mister Cornhole" fellow. She wanted to be good and ready for tomorrow's upcoming heist since this would be her first time...ever.

Since they were down by couple of men, Dutch has asked her to join them; something that had completely taken her by surprise. It wasn't like Dutch to bring her long to something so dangerous but agreed nonetheless. Lily couldn't bare to see the disappointment in his eyes if she said otherwise.

Never had she actually rob something like a train or a bank for that matter. Instead she was usually the one helping with the planning by gathering leads out in the field. And it sure as hell wasn't in her nature to be like that; to be violent unless necessary. Rather, she would much prefer being part Hosea's long and elaborate schemes to swindle dumb people out of their money.

 _I'm a con-artist, not some fucking train robber._

Besides that, she just had a lingering feeling this was going to cause even more trouble than what it was worth. They should be lying low, not drawing attention on themselves like this.

 _It not like I can talk Dutch out of it. Once he has his mind set, that's it. There is no turning back_.

So, to say she was nervous about this was an understatement to say the least.

Maybe...a little tad bit excited she will admit. But if it was one step closer to helping them get out of here then so be it.

That was her reasoning in going over the plans with Arthur before tomorrow so that she understood where she stands in it all. Though, if he hasn't risen yet, she would just going to have to wake him up herself in her own "special way".

"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty. You and I have much to talk about..."


End file.
